Yo Fifty!

What if I were to tell you there is a game in which you play as noted bullet-sponge 50 Cent, and the game involves you mass-murdering thousands of "bad guys" somewhere in the Middle East?

This is no fantasy dream, this is real. The game is 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Its basically Gears of War, but with 50 Cent instead of Marcus Fenix. And instead of aliens, you fight generic Middle Easterners.

This game is incredible for a few reasons. For starters; the underlying conceit of the game is that if someone steals money from you, you are justified in committing mass genocide to get your money back. The entire premise of the game is that 50 performs a concert, he isn't payed, the concert promoter offers him a diamond-encrusted human skull as payment (not joking), and 50 must now pair-up with a member of the G-Unit (not joking) to hunt down and murder everyone who stands between him and as he puts it; "mah _______ ________ skull!" Don't get me wrong, this game is awesome, but mostly in an "Oh my... I don't even... why is this happening... what?" kind of way.

You can tell the developers were aware of the absurd / offensive nature of what was happening as they programmed this gem, so to mitigate the depravity of portraying 50 Cent and the G-Unit as mass murderers, they included a few surreal elements; which I have to admit, add to the awesomeness. You have a combo meter, the more dudes you kill in more awesome ways in a limited time, you get bonus points & cash, etc. You use this cash to purchase upgrades, better guns, etc.

But still, the single best part of this game, no question; is that you literally push a button to make 50 Cent shout profanity-laden taunts at people. To really get the most out of this feature; you need to know when to pull this nugget out of your pocket. For example; is 50 trying to lift a heavy garage door? Maybe you should loudly call that door a _______ ________ piece of _______!! You get the point.

Anyways, this game is absurd for all the right reasons. If you have a PS3 or 360, and $15 laying around, you pretty much need to buy this thing. Did I mention that not only does 50 Cent music play on a loop the entire game, but its the same 3 songs over and over. They were so cheap, they only licensed 3 songs of the game's namesake. I think you can buy additional songs to play as background music; but I found the short loop added to the whole package.